To you, From us

We live in a constant state of fear

What should we wear?

How should we walk?

Should we look up – or should we stare at our feet?

No, these are not our decisions

It is what you ask us to do

We do everything that it takes

To have a normal peaceful life

And yet, your lewd comments

The remarks that bring tears to our eyes

The constant brushing of your body, in public spaces

Your lecherous eyes, staring down at us

And yet we are made to feel ashamed

We are asked to change ourselves

Like it is your birthright

For it is not ours.

We prosper and we progress

We are stronger and we work harder

We know power, we understand being in power

But no sir, we do not HARM

Because of your rules, your birthright

Because of whom you want us to be

How you want us to dress, talk and behave

Today, we are relieved when

We see a gun in your hand approaching us

Than the worst nightmare you have in store for us.

Forgotten Little Pleasures

Long days of work with little time to myself,  let alone my family or friends, I wondered how life adhered to monotony in such a strong manner that the little joys in life was like a drop of water in the ocean.Fun is a small generic word with a diverse emotion that resonates with each one of us. It is an emotion that is taken so much for granted it remains insignificant in our lives.

The synonym of Fun is listed as  “light hearted pleasure” I wonder though, if in today’s world we know what light hearted pleasure truly means. Is fun spending a lot of money, energy and time into an activity, or is it just sitting with a book and cup of tea on the porch listening to the rains?

Fun, pleasure or passion in life is defined by oneself, such as beliefs and values. In the eagerness to get a better understanding of what fun meant to me, I asked myself -  ‘When do I have fun?’ or even “Do I have fun?” The first thought that struck me was an image of me with my near and dear ones – but nothing beyond that. I even asked a few people the same question and realized they were as dumbfounded by the question as I was.

I read somewhere that the events and activities we enjoyed during our childhood are often what we enjoy after we become adults too.  As a child, I never thought about what defined fun or even if I had fun, because my life was fun. Playing “cricket” with an exam writing pad and paper crumpled and bound into a ball or reading comics all day long or even watch TV – even if it was an English/Hindi show dubbed in a regional language all resonated with me as fun.

In our urgency as children to grow up into adults hoping we would be the decision makers, we often not only outgrow our childhood pleasures but also many light hearted elements of life. During our childhood, seldom do we realize the amount of control society and family continue to impose on us, even after a long treacherous journey in adulthood. In our hectic lives already filled with so many shenanigans, fun seems too trivial to be concerned about missing out on.

Coming back to my question about my idea of fun - I personally related it to being with people who are easy and positive. However, I could not precisely say – this is my definition of fun. What was that thing that I thoroughly enjoyed doing - Because even if I am with the best of people, there are a lot of things I just don’t enjoy doing – like getting on roller coaster rides.  Clearly one obstacle solved – I know what I did not have fun being part of.

I thought about all the things that I did during my childhood that I still enjoyed doing. Those things that I don’t do anymore because of the dearth of time and energy us adults often face. The first thought that struck me was a beach and that made me realize how much I enjoy spending time in/near/around a water body. I thought further and landed on Nature and how the love for it has never faded but only made me grow immensely fond of trips to the zoo, aquariums and parks.

Thinking back, as children the main reason we preferred spending time with our grandparents was because they experience their second childhood at the same time where they dedicate their life to light hearted pleasures such as storytelling and playing board games.

It is a boon if each one of us can identify what we define as fun for ourselves and can try and live life with a little light hearted pleasure on a daily basis. To me, writing this piece of blog after ages was fun.

Fun has a definition that I coined- “it is anything that makes you smile when you think of it, makes you look forward to do it and helps you live a life that you’ve always imagined”

We have come to realize in the world we live in, fun us not an element to be taken for granted, but rather to be able to pay more attention to for a more fulfilling livelihood.

A little ‘fun’ every day not only makes us feel happier and accomplished but also connects us back to something we wish we could go back to - our childhood. 

Alone & Alive

For 22 yrs. of my life I remember waking up to bright sunshine, birds chirping, Rajaji talking before M.S.Shubalakshmi starts singing, the maid, my neighbor and more people talking about random people, dogs barking, buses honking, cars reversing to a ‘vande maataram’ tune…. The list goes on. One would never need an alarm to wake up in a place bursting with action starting from the time the milk man and newspaper comes at the wee hours of dawn.

If there was one thing I was never devoid of, even during the cyclones, crazy monsoons and scorching sun (agninakshatram times), was people. People who were genuine and cared. If I fell sick, I had the most random lady on the road telling me the best remedy and sometimes even giving it to me.

I remember when I had an accident and I was alone, there was a little shop where 2 women worked. I was sitting by the side walk and they brought me inside their shop which had just one chair - more like a bar stool. They opened a packet of coconut oil, wiped my wounds and applied it carefully. They gave me a packet of water and cursed the person who hit me on the wrong side of the road with all their heart.
I’ve never seen them before that and did not after that incident. During the scariest accident alone, I was not alone.

And that is my dear Madras.

Today, I see at least 50 people walk beside me on the streets of Manhattan, yet, I walk alone.

For the past 3 yrs. of my life, I wake up to an alarm set at 5 different times, that can snooze and yet everyday force myself to get out of bed into the gloomy, grey, cold world. I shudder to think what would happen to me if I faced an accident like the one I had before, here.

For the first time, I feel the void of people.

I never realized being alone could make a person not share, be concerned or be genuine. Every morning the lady who sells me coffee greets everyone with a "Hi Good morning, How is it going!" and thanks everyone with a "Thank you, have a good one!" with no hint of emotion.

Everyone talks about a culture-shock, the drastic weather difference or even the accent. The most striking difference to me, that hit me hard was how alone a person is in the world’s best place – America!

Years of being alone, surviving through a fast paced life of green bills and the corporate ladder can turn anyone into having just one best friend – oneself. Not only does the habit of living alone develops, but also, ensuring strong boundaries where no one enters to form any sort of a relationship – even of a neighbor.

In Madras I live in an apartment of 12 houses in total – I know each one of their names and am sure, at least 2-3 generations of their family. Here, I live in an apartment of 2 houses and do not have the faintest clue of who they are.

I sure do miss my Madras for more reasons than one, but this tops it all. I love where I am right now, and yet, feel the void of people more often than I would like.

Today, my fear is not living alone, but wanting to live alone.

At the cross roads

At the cross roads...
When life gives you the sudden instance where you are forced to realize, not wanting to, how alone you are…
In a world where there is abundance of life…and as ironic as that maybe - a deficiency of life…

The liveliness in the word life itself doesn’t mean even a tenth of the life that we try to have and strive to have…

Life by itself is wonderful, until we add all that we have onto it, assuming this is how it is meant to be, this is how it should be and act, against our nature, against mother nature on those lines

We work, all day all night, we believe we do it to live – the truth being as sad as it is - we merely survive…

Who defined life, why did we define our life with what the world believes it is and it should be. There are no steadfast rules on how to live, and yet, here we are limiting ourselves, when we know there is no limit…

There is happiness all around and yet, we choose to turn away from it. We let people and things conquer our life, when we are merely standing by watching us struggle through each second that we did not define to us…

We are not actors in this world, but mere puppets – to a materialistic world where the least importance is given to oneself.

Torn Apart

Life could never be better
Love was all around
With you beside me, my love
My happiness revolved around you
But there came a moment
That I have not foreseen
Never imagined in my wildest dreams

The day my life ended
Was the day you left me
Happiness revolved around vacuum
Life never seemed this bitter
Love was all I thought about

You were all I wanted back
For reasons known to you
Unknown and ignorant that I was
I paid the price for letting you go
I dint have a choice, for you had made yours

I look at you today
As you were before
As happiness never left you
Because you let someone else’s revolve around you

But here I am still with your thoughts
Changing myself to the person you wanted me to be
My life moving like a painted picture
But my world shattered into millions of pieces

No, it’s not your fault
My life is because of me
I let you pierce through it
And now the pain doesn’t seize to flow

I lose myself into a world
Where am unaware of myself
My friends my family my deeds
The values I possess seem unknown to me
Because I lost you, for reasons I don’t know

Yes, I may have choices
But this is the life I am forced to choose
Seeing you happy makes me feel good
But dreaming of you in my arms makes me love you more

You hurt me, you killed my life
Yet I let you do it to me, everyday, ever since
Because I am not willing to live reality
I gave my life for you, my love
I gave up my family friends and happiness for losing you

That one soul that changed me
That one soul that tore me apart
Oh my love, today I look back
Unable to answer -
Are u really worth losing myself for?

Reality of my Dreams

To a world so beautiful
Where life is so colorful
In rhythm the flowers sway
To the breeze of the lovely day
Above me the pretty birds fly
Gliding across the deep blue sky
As I paint my life in my dream
Far from the reality I want to be
In a world where I am
In a world where I ought not to be
For the love of my life
For the love for my life
I live in the reality of my dreams
I live happily having lived and seen
Moments of life as real as they seem
As ideal as I want them to be
In my dreams I enjoy
The realities of life that I never would
The infinite universe and the eternal beauty
The tides of life that would never seize
But get higher with every wave,
Violent in reality and magnificent as I dream
The wonder of life that I would never see
If not for my world of dreams
Of eternal beauty and infinite love,
For the love for my life
For the love of my life
I live in the reality of my dreams..

Its not life, when you are not in it

I look at you and watch u speak
Understand your expression and I seek
To see what might trouble you so much
Is it me that is creating all the fuss

As you look at me, your eyes filled with trouble
I look to see your lips and read your mumble
Unable to accept the truth I turn around
As I see my world spin round

I feel for you, and me
But I wonder what is it that I don’t see
Certainly something you do, for I am lost
But I love u and need you at any cost

My eyes fills with tears,
As silence fills the space between us
There are no words…but music
Of silence that is getting me sick

I try to explain and plead to you
Coz u brought my life the colors and hue
Without you I am nothing
and with you, I am everything
as you nod your head in denial
I raise my head to u for an approval
Of me and of us, of our togetherness

In vain I walk away, without looking back
To look u in the eye, the strength I lack
For I cant watch you go away from me
And think this is life, let it be

Coz it is not, when you are not in my life
You are not a part of it, but you are my life
What do I have left, when you are away from me
The times of life and love that I can never see

I walk far away as my eyes pour out the tears
Of my love for you, and for my life’s fears
I yell out, come back to me anyhow!
And realized, its me who is away from you

Traveling through the path so lonely
I turn back to come to you, the other way
As tears pour down, I can see you wait
I run into your arms… to hold you tight

Coz it is not life, when you are not in it
You are my life, not just a part of it
What do I have left, when you are away from me
The times of life and love that I can never see