At the cross roads

At the cross roads...
When life gives you the sudden instance where you are forced to realize, not wanting to, how alone you are…
In a world where there is abundance of life…and as ironic as that maybe - a deficiency of life…

The liveliness in the word life itself doesn’t mean even a tenth of the life that we try to have and strive to have…

Life by itself is wonderful, until we add all that we have onto it, assuming this is how it is meant to be, this is how it should be and act, against our nature, against mother nature on those lines

We work, all day all night, we believe we do it to live – the truth being as sad as it is - we merely survive…

Who defined life, why did we define our life with what the world believes it is and it should be. There are no steadfast rules on how to live, and yet, here we are limiting ourselves, when we know there is no limit…

There is happiness all around and yet, we choose to turn away from it. We let people and things conquer our life, when we are merely standing by watching us struggle through each second that we did not define to us…

We are not actors in this world, but mere puppets – to a materialistic world where the least importance is given to oneself.

Torn Apart

Life could never be better
Love was all around
With you beside me, my love
My happiness revolved around you
But there came a moment
That I have not foreseen
Never imagined in my wildest dreams

The day my life ended
Was the day you left me
Happiness revolved around vacuum
Life never seemed this bitter
Love was all I thought about

You were all I wanted back
For reasons known to you
Unknown and ignorant that I was
I paid the price for letting you go
I dint have a choice, for you had made yours

I look at you today
As you were before
As happiness never left you
Because you let someone else’s revolve around you

But here I am still with your thoughts
Changing myself to the person you wanted me to be
My life moving like a painted picture
But my world shattered into millions of pieces

No, it’s not your fault
My life is because of me
I let you pierce through it
And now the pain doesn’t seize to flow

I lose myself into a world
Where am unaware of myself
My friends my family my deeds
The values I possess seem unknown to me
Because I lost you, for reasons I don’t know

Yes, I may have choices
But this is the life I am forced to choose
Seeing you happy makes me feel good
But dreaming of you in my arms makes me love you more

You hurt me, you killed my life
Yet I let you do it to me, everyday, ever since
Because I am not willing to live reality
I gave my life for you, my love
I gave up my family friends and happiness for losing you

That one soul that changed me
That one soul that tore me apart
Oh my love, today I look back
Unable to answer -
Are u really worth losing myself for?

Reality of my Dreams

To a world so beautiful
Where life is so colorful
In rhythm the flowers sway
To the breeze of the lovely day
Above me the pretty birds fly
Gliding across the deep blue sky
As I paint my life in my dream
Far from the reality I want to be
In a world where I am
In a world where I ought not to be
For the love of my life
For the love for my life
I live in the reality of my dreams
I live happily having lived and seen
Moments of life as real as they seem
As ideal as I want them to be
In my dreams I enjoy
The realities of life that I never would
The infinite universe and the eternal beauty
The tides of life that would never seize
But get higher with every wave,
Violent in reality and magnificent as I dream
The wonder of life that I would never see
If not for my world of dreams
Of eternal beauty and infinite love,
For the love for my life
For the love of my life
I live in the reality of my dreams..

Its not life, when you are not in it

I look at you and watch u speak
Understand your expression and I seek
To see what might trouble you so much
Is it me that is creating all the fuss

As you look at me, your eyes filled with trouble
I look to see your lips and read your mumble
Unable to accept the truth I turn around
As I see my world spin round

I feel for you, and me
But I wonder what is it that I don’t see
Certainly something you do, for I am lost
But I love u and need you at any cost

My eyes fills with tears,
As silence fills the space between us
There are no words…but music
Of silence that is getting me sick

I try to explain and plead to you
Coz u brought my life the colors and hue
Without you I am nothing
and with you, I am everything
as you nod your head in denial
I raise my head to u for an approval
Of me and of us, of our togetherness

In vain I walk away, without looking back
To look u in the eye, the strength I lack
For I cant watch you go away from me
And think this is life, let it be

Coz it is not, when you are not in my life
You are not a part of it, but you are my life
What do I have left, when you are away from me
The times of life and love that I can never see

I walk far away as my eyes pour out the tears
Of my love for you, and for my life’s fears
I yell out, come back to me anyhow!
And realized, its me who is away from you

Traveling through the path so lonely
I turn back to come to you, the other way
As tears pour down, I can see you wait
I run into your arms… to hold you tight

Coz it is not life, when you are not in it
You are my life, not just a part of it
What do I have left, when you are away from me
The times of life and love that I can never see

Miss you...

These meandering roads
Meander my thoughts to those
Days of love n happiness
Where we celebrated togetherness
Chillness of the wind
Beauty of the snow
Those days of ours
Moments that were so true
Miss u today n wondered too
Why the distance between us two
Sipping the coffee so hot
Hand in hand on the street
Times when we never thought
A day would come when we would never meet
I still wait for you, all my life
For u showed me what it meant
To be in love; n to be loved
I live in those memories n yet
A faint hope in my heart,
for my dear dreams to come true.

Situations make me pen these lines....

A long way ahead of me,
A treacherous path filled with obstacles,
I have to go, I have to wake up
With the wounds still new
And the hurt still deep
I lay alone, thoughts deeper
It is not about reaching there ahead
But it is about reaching there for myself
Yet I lie here alone, unable to move
And face this cruel world,
Of joyous people from other’s melancholy
Accomplishment is theirs,
When I give up and refuse
But my eyes are blinded
For my destination is invisible
The path of life leads me to it
But the fear of life stops me from it
Fear in my heart, confidence in my eyes
I wake up…
Wake up to see those dreams
That is on the other side,
Of the path of life, I need to walk ahead
For the way of happiness and the reason for it
Lies in my journey, through the hurdles,
I have to wake up…
For the passion of life is finding the unknown...

To my grandmother, With Love…

My dear Fatty,

I woke up with the sound of the early morning talk show that you had on the TV. Faintly I could hear the maid, our neighbor and you talking loudly, discussing people, life et all. The curtains didn’t quite keep the sunshine away from my face and the room had gotten warm with the Air Conditioner turned off early dawn. I pulled my blanket on my face and turned to sleep a little while longer. The maid walked into the room to clean it. Left with no other choice, I got out of bed to the living room where you were watching TV and segregating the freshly bought vegetables. I heard the pressure cooker whistle loudly and could see the freshly washed clothes hanging in the clothesline adding a color to the room, along with chill sea breeze in to the house.
A bright wide smile, you sat on the sofa, adorned in a freshly ironed and starched cotton sari with a matching blouse and pretty jewelry along with glasses on your nose. With a hint of sarcasm, you greet me with a “Good Afternoon”. I smile shyly and sit on the sofa. You made me a hot cup of “Bouvi” (As we used to call the beverage Bournvita).
You said, “Rice, Dal, Garlic Rasam, Beans Curry, Curd, Pickle, Fried Papad…how does that sound for lunch?”
Slurp! Unbelievable! “Yay!” and I hug you tight with a peck on your cheek.
I open the newspaper to read as I sip on my morning drink. I join you to converse about the soaps that start in the regional channel from 11.30 am to 2.30 pm after which I get a chance to watch a movie of my choice. Of course if there were a cricket/tennis match or even WWF, you used to be glued to the TV.
Days of my school and college passed by this way. With a yummy snack including Kesari, Paayasam, steamed groundnuts or even coffee in the evening, we used to chat and engage in a game of Chinese checkers.
An amazing game that I have played only with you. It was a routine every evening to have tea and biscuits after my mom arrives from work to sit for a game of Chinese checkers. The 3 of us would concentrate and play games that sometimes seem never ending.
Dinner would follow after the game along with the prime time soaps that kept you engaged. You slept to the music of All India Radio and a room colder than the coldest days of Madras.
My life till my 3rd year undergrad was never devoid of your presence. Until we let you go.
The routine, the monotonous days that I just scripted above were the best days of my life. Even today after almost 4years of your physical presence being inevitably absent, I am never devoid of your presence in my thoughts, dreams, memories and heart.
I do not enjoy WWF anymore coz I don’t have you to laugh with. The Chinese checkers lies among dust and cobwebs in the attic and the house filled with the vacuum of you, your voice, and the soaps you watched and your strength.
I want to thank you for those days and moments of my life. The colors you added to my life’s painting are the best. Be with me always and never devoid me of your presence, I need you and your strength for my life has just begun.
Love You,
Ajju