Its not life, when you are not in it

I look at you and watch u speak
Understand your expression and I seek
To see what might trouble you so much
Is it me that is creating all the fuss

As you look at me, your eyes filled with trouble
I look to see your lips and read your mumble
Unable to accept the truth I turn around
As I see my world spin round

I feel for you, and me
But I wonder what is it that I don’t see
Certainly something you do, for I am lost
But I love u and need you at any cost

My eyes fills with tears,
As silence fills the space between us
There are no words…but music
Of silence that is getting me sick

I try to explain and plead to you
Coz u brought my life the colors and hue
Without you I am nothing
and with you, I am everything
as you nod your head in denial
I raise my head to u for an approval
Of me and of us, of our togetherness

In vain I walk away, without looking back
To look u in the eye, the strength I lack
For I cant watch you go away from me
And think this is life, let it be

Coz it is not, when you are not in my life
You are not a part of it, but you are my life
What do I have left, when you are away from me
The times of life and love that I can never see

I walk far away as my eyes pour out the tears
Of my love for you, and for my life’s fears
I yell out, come back to me anyhow!
And realized, its me who is away from you

Traveling through the path so lonely
I turn back to come to you, the other way
As tears pour down, I can see you wait
I run into your arms… to hold you tight

Coz it is not life, when you are not in it
You are my life, not just a part of it
What do I have left, when you are away from me
The times of life and love that I can never see

Miss you...

These meandering roads
Meander my thoughts to those
Days of love n happiness
Where we celebrated togetherness
Chillness of the wind
Beauty of the snow
Those days of ours
Moments that were so true
Miss u today n wondered too
Why the distance between us two
Sipping the coffee so hot
Hand in hand on the street
Times when we never thought
A day would come when we would never meet
I still wait for you, all my life
For u showed me what it meant
To be in love; n to be loved
I live in those memories n yet
A faint hope in my heart,
for my dear dreams to come true.

Situations make me pen these lines....

A long way ahead of me,
A treacherous path filled with obstacles,
I have to go, I have to wake up
With the wounds still new
And the hurt still deep
I lay alone, thoughts deeper
It is not about reaching there ahead
But it is about reaching there for myself
Yet I lie here alone, unable to move
And face this cruel world,
Of joyous people from other’s melancholy
Accomplishment is theirs,
When I give up and refuse
But my eyes are blinded
For my destination is invisible
The path of life leads me to it
But the fear of life stops me from it
Fear in my heart, confidence in my eyes
I wake up…
Wake up to see those dreams
That is on the other side,
Of the path of life, I need to walk ahead
For the way of happiness and the reason for it
Lies in my journey, through the hurdles,
I have to wake up…
For the passion of life is finding the unknown...

To my grandmother, With Love…

My dear Fatty,

I woke up with the sound of the early morning talk show that you had on the TV. Faintly I could hear the maid, our neighbor and you talking loudly, discussing people, life et all. The curtains didn’t quite keep the sunshine away from my face and the room had gotten warm with the Air Conditioner turned off early dawn. I pulled my blanket on my face and turned to sleep a little while longer. The maid walked into the room to clean it. Left with no other choice, I got out of bed to the living room where you were watching TV and segregating the freshly bought vegetables. I heard the pressure cooker whistle loudly and could see the freshly washed clothes hanging in the clothesline adding a color to the room, along with chill sea breeze in to the house.
A bright wide smile, you sat on the sofa, adorned in a freshly ironed and starched cotton sari with a matching blouse and pretty jewelry along with glasses on your nose. With a hint of sarcasm, you greet me with a “Good Afternoon”. I smile shyly and sit on the sofa. You made me a hot cup of “Bouvi” (As we used to call the beverage Bournvita).
You said, “Rice, Dal, Garlic Rasam, Beans Curry, Curd, Pickle, Fried Papad…how does that sound for lunch?”
Slurp! Unbelievable! “Yay!” and I hug you tight with a peck on your cheek.
I open the newspaper to read as I sip on my morning drink. I join you to converse about the soaps that start in the regional channel from 11.30 am to 2.30 pm after which I get a chance to watch a movie of my choice. Of course if there were a cricket/tennis match or even WWF, you used to be glued to the TV.
Days of my school and college passed by this way. With a yummy snack including Kesari, Paayasam, steamed groundnuts or even coffee in the evening, we used to chat and engage in a game of Chinese checkers.
An amazing game that I have played only with you. It was a routine every evening to have tea and biscuits after my mom arrives from work to sit for a game of Chinese checkers. The 3 of us would concentrate and play games that sometimes seem never ending.
Dinner would follow after the game along with the prime time soaps that kept you engaged. You slept to the music of All India Radio and a room colder than the coldest days of Madras.
My life till my 3rd year undergrad was never devoid of your presence. Until we let you go.
The routine, the monotonous days that I just scripted above were the best days of my life. Even today after almost 4years of your physical presence being inevitably absent, I am never devoid of your presence in my thoughts, dreams, memories and heart.
I do not enjoy WWF anymore coz I don’t have you to laugh with. The Chinese checkers lies among dust and cobwebs in the attic and the house filled with the vacuum of you, your voice, and the soaps you watched and your strength.
I want to thank you for those days and moments of my life. The colors you added to my life’s painting are the best. Be with me always and never devoid me of your presence, I need you and your strength for my life has just begun.
Love You,
Ajju

LIVE THE MOMENT, FOR NOSTALGIA

Songs have a strong tendency to bring tears to your eyes, smiles to your lips and memories that you cherish!
Any song, whether you like it or not, but have heard it a lot of times on some occasion, you tend to go back to those days when you listen to it.
There was a TV serial title track that I remember listening to. My grandfather used to regularly watch and I actually have my eyes filled with tears, thinking of my grandfather, however have no memory of the song/serial per say.
Certain songs I remember my grandmother playing it on the Veena and her singing them. Those old Tamil/Hindi songs that I listen to now, is dubbed by my grandmother’s voice in my head.
Songs continuously played in the radio while on one of those long drives, songs that you would have never heard otherwise, but still enjoy it today just because of that memory and those days it takes you to.
And there are times, when suddenly you just want to keep listening to them and enjoy those moments of nostalgia.
That just happened to me today. I am sitting here smiling with my ears plugged and body swaying to the tune that takes me to a world of my own, where reality is far behind. Where happiness and present is all that matters and no thoughts of what happened, and what is going to happen.
Strange, how we remain happy for a few seconds in a world so far, so far away from reality and refuse to come back to the world we have to live in. Strange, how we know what we are doing is taking us nowhere, but still enjoy those moments of fantasies, dreams and nostalgia.
Songs not only bring me smiles and tears, but also take me to a world that I really want to be in. It takes me to that past that I lived like today, but enjoyed much later in life.
Today may be a day I may remember a few years later and listen to a song that brings me back to today for me to feel nostalgic. Thinking about it, did I enjoy today the way I would enjoy today 10 years from now? Hard to tell aint it?
I wonder if any of us really enjoyed those days we miss now – did we live the moment? …..
Hard to answer, coz I would go back and say those were the best days of my life and today sucks. Not far away from me saying, 2009-2010 were the best days of my life and today sucks!
Live the moment…and don’t forget to enjoy the nostalgia!